by Austin Valley
08-25-2010

126 days after the Deepwater Horizon drilling platform exploded off the Gulf of Mexico, unleashing the worst environmental disaster in U.S. history, a drastically more dire and ominous reality has now been revealed. What officials initially believed to be a small leak of a 100,000 barrels of oil with estimated pressures averaging 1,100 pounds per square inch soon turned to reports of the wellhead eclipsing 1,000,000 psi and leaking anything up to 200,000 barrels of oil daily. More shocking; 50,000,000 barrels of methane, a highly combustible gas, leaked from the pipe and filled the waters. Evidence mounted of subsea fissures roaring with plumes of methane 30,000 feet below sea level as Russian spies were able to slip through BP security and retrieve photographs of the now devastating nightmare we all face.

Giant Space Worms.

This photograph from the Russian spy submarine clearly shows a space worm emerging from a crack in the ocean floor.

Wednesday, BP officials and white house CEO’s confirmed in brief statement that, indeed, the Deepwater Horizon punctured a pocket of methane which acted as a yolk around a 25 billion ton hyper comet. The comet crashed in the Gulf of Mexico 880 million years ago and housed the genetic information to birth a giant space worm the size of Florida. General Thad Allen stated, “much like a seed might fall from a tree and wait thousands of years before sprouting, this process is seen in nature time and time again. Our seed, however,  just happened to be a giant space worm . . . at the bottom of the ocean . . . from a hyper comet . . . most likely from a parallel dimension hovering inches above our own.”

Tapping the methane yolk and awakening the giant space worm has unleashed a nightmare scenario no one, other than former BP CEO, Tony Hayward, saw coming. Tony was quoted at a party in June, saying, “I have space worms coming out my ass the size of Florida.” No one at the time knew what he meant but researches now believe he was indeed referencing, belligerently, the giant space worm the size of Florida.

Investigators are now looking in to what else Hayward might know about the worm. However, they face many hurdles as Hayward has made himself unarrestable by any world or universal power. The ability to do so remains a mystery and is being investigated by Tony Hayward

A giant space worm has destroyed numerous salvage vessels. Photo: USCG

Scientists, on the other hand, are fascinated as the worm is a mysterious silicon based life form that eats continents and defecates methane. The worm began devouring Mississippi at 9 p.m. EST and experts are scrambling to determine what exactly this means for the human race. Marshall Tucker, power forward for the Mississippi Tech, fighting Blue Dogs described the event. “It’s crazy.”

Tucker later went on to score 24 points in 18 minutes but fouled out late in the second half.

Plans of nuking the worm were considered but quickly blocked by environmentalists as the EPA passed overnight legislation enlisting the worm as an endangered species. Under federal protection the worm is free to establish its habitat were it can be further studied by scientists. Ken Macintire, director of The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, a new movie produced by Marvel studios, was quoted, saying, “we can’t overlook what got us here in the first place.” When asked how that made any sense at all, he ran away.

NASA photograph of the giant space worm.

On the other side of the globe, the worlds leading physicists, using high frequency gravity wave detectors and atom smashers, predict the worm will continue to eat continents and release methane into the atmosphere until there is nothing left. Once all the land has been devoured and the air has been poisoned, the worm will eat away the ocean floor and, in most scenarios, swallow the earth’s core. The worm will float in space for billions of years destined to repeat the circle of life and tragically farcical deaths of other species.

When asked about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the giant space worm said, “Oils well that ends well.” He then proceeded to eat Alabama and Kentucky.

Entropy has been scheduled for this Friday, 9 a.m. EST.

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Austin Valley, a regular contributor to High Contrast Review, is a writer and videographer, as well as the HD Editor for Net Green News in Portland, Oregon.